Speak Softly
by Fanibal.x
Summary: "If it weren't for the baby." When Peeta's attempt to cancel the games is successful, Katniss and Peeta are left in an awkward situation. They need to actually get married and she needs to get pregnant in order to save themselves and all those they love. How will that work when they can barely stand to look at each other? [First chapters rewritten]
1. Chapter 1

"I wouldn't have any regrets at all if… If… If it weren't… If… If it weren't for the baby." The words were loud and clear. The people of the Capitol screamed with joy. Their star-crossed lovers were having a child. But truthfully they weren't. For people so ignorant and blinded as them, they would believe it. They would believe anything to make themselves happier. Because definitely the murder of innocent children was something that was patriotic. And what's more patriotic than their favorite children slaughterers having a child of their own. I was furious at Peeta! Did he really expect this to end the games? It would end nothing, just continue the cycle of death and destruction that we played a part in. Did he truly believe that it would do anything besides make things worse? Peeta had a habit of making things worse. The sole cause of this mess to begin with, but somehow I always received the blame. It's the girl with the fire who burns others, not the boy who gave her the matches.

The colorful bimbos of the Capitol looked from Peeta to me. The blinding spotlight hit me right in the eyes, but I refused to look away. Haymitch tips his flask to Peeta from the font row, and he nods his head slightly in return. The baby part must have not been scripted. People begin to rise from their seats and continue to yell. The realization that my nonexistent baby and I were most likely going to be killed the next day probably hit our admirers. One of the smart ones probably pointed out the fact that Peeta and I could not both survive the Games for a second time. The people standing next to me were trained killers, they already could murder me with their eyes. A Shout rung out "Cancel the Quell!" the voice yelled. Soon another person called out the same phrase. More and more people joined in until the whole audience turned into a chant of Cancel the Quells. Peeta turned to me and smiled slightly, he thought that it could work. In response, I avoid his glance and blankly stare out at the crowd, my mouth in a straight line. _No emotion. Make them think that you're strong, capable._ I repeat this in my head as the chanting continues. I was always amazed by the Capitol's attachment to their Victors. People had favorites; they paid to meet them, and to do a lot more than a simple meet and greet. These strangers were screaming to save my life. They didn't know me or Peeta, or the circumstances of our relationship. They just knew the lies and bits and pieces of stories that we told them. Maybe there were no real relationships in the Capitol. Everything was for money and for show, so why wouldn't a marriage be like that? Even the false personalities Peeta and I put on for the camera were more real than their lives. Or maybe Peeta and I were a sense of hope for them. The boy actually got the girl, a reality not too common. The other victors were motioning to each other to do something. They knew they could play off of the large reaction from the crowd. Caesar whispers something in Peeta's ear and his nods giving the audience a quick wave goodbye and quickly getting up the stairs. When he nears the top Chaff, the District Eleven victor next to me pushes to towards Peeta. He must have already been aware of this reaction, probably from Haymitch. They were good friends; I've spent years watching them pass a bottle back and forth on television. His push is hard and causes me to stumble into Peeta's arms and wrap mine around his neck to look like we're hugging. I put my mouth towards his ear and begin hissing in it. "You're dead Mellark. If Snow doesn't kill you, I'll do it myself."

We're quite a pair, Peeta and I. Him in his clean white suit and bright blond hair, and me looking like death in my dark dress and even darker hair. People are wrong when they say opposites attract, but people believe it so I must continue to play the games as if they're right. Peeta and I get back into our line when he grabs my hand, nudging me to continue. I grab Chaff's and he grabs Seeder's and so on until we're all connected. We all raise our hands in unity, just the cherry on top to make the Capitol angry. Caesar swings his hand towards the curtains from the bottom of the stage and all the lights go out. We're all ushered off the stage immediately. Peeta's little outburst may have just started a rebellion.

* * *

"What was that? Are you kidding me? Do you want to get us killed!" I push Peeta against a wall, quite like I did a year previously. He says and does nothing as I shriek at him. He could easily push me off him, but he doesn't. He just remains as I yell, hit, and cry. He just stares at me blankly, the impact of what he just did hitting him. "It doesn't even make a difference anyway! We're all already dead men. You're just saving the cannon man some work." My arms loops around his neck to attempt a chokehold.

"Ah young love." Someone sarcastically says. I can't figure out which victor is was, but they seemed quite pleased with our performance out there. Haymitch pulls me off Peeta, grabbing me by the back of my dress. I can practically hear the disgust from Effie. She loved the wedding dress Cinna made me, and for Haymitch to be treating it so harshly must have made her living.

Haymitch rolls his eyes. "What are you trying to accomplish here?" I open my mouth to respond, but he starts talking again before I can. "You're not hurting him. You're 'not making a difference'." His mocking makes me shoot him a scowl. "If you're trying to hurt Peeta I would say you're doing quite the opposite. He's having a great time with you being all handsy on him. And next time you try to beat him up, avoid the face I need him looking nice for interviews." There will be no more interviews. After tonight, there will be no more of any of this. Just death and destruction. "Oh and sweetheart." I look back up at Haymitch "You should be kissing him instead of killing him. He may like that a little more. He might have just saved all of our asses, or caused us very painful deaths, but I'm hoping for the first one." Peeta looks down at his feet sheepishly. Haymitch drags us to the other room where the other victors were being held. It was small and cold and covered in white tiles. In some ways, it resembled a hospital… or a morgue. Haymitch shoots a look at Johanna Mason, the tribute from District 7, "If she tries to attack him again, I give you permission to snap her neck. Damn hormones." She smirks her black hair framing her face. She's fierce looking, probably was the one with the sarcastic comment. "Actually I take that back. Anyone else can do it except for you." Haymitch leaves the room to go find Effie or anybody to find out was going to happen. The smirk does not leave her face.

Most the victors sit in a room watching the empty stage from a television. The rest of them never went into the room or left with Haymitch to form some sort of plan. The people of the Capitol are still in the stadium, standing on their feet waiting for something. Our execution perhaps? Their chants still blast through the speakers. They're looking for Snow, but he's nowhere to be found. He was too cowardly to come to the interviews. He's probably watching the rerun in his mansion. Another screen plays the highlights of the interviews. They cut out everything after Peeta says that we got married. I'm surmised they left him in at al, even that sort of news could stir some trouble up for the gamemakers. This could alter the course of the games, make sure that Peeta and I suffer from a long and painful death. Many tributes have tried outbursts like Peeta's and none of them got away with it. But we were Victors not tributes, so the public actually cared about what happened to us. One girl was strung up by her foot and was bled out a few years ago. She spoke out during her interview about how the Games weren't fair. Apparently people in the Capitol loved her execution. Before she was killed Snow made a little speech "You claim that the games aren't fair. Now you will see the most fair decision I've ever made. You don't wish to fight, we won't make you. Traitors and rebels die dishonorable deaths anyway. You deserve the same." Something around the same lines will happen to us. Most likely he'll drain me of blood through a cut in my abdomen, to show the world the baby that doesn't exist.

"How far along are you?" I look up to see the victor from the 64th Hunger Games, Cashmere. She looks like a goddess in her white dress and her blonde waves. I decide that in the arena I want her to be the one to kill me. She looks like she would have mercy and would make it easy for someone like me. She's a career, which means that merciless is the only way to define her, yet she seemed like she wouldn't hurt me. Then I remember how fake her interview was and that she was the only person to win their games in a day. She killed everyone during the night and by dawn she was victorious.

I am about to answer Cashmere's question, but Johanna answers for me. "You seriously think she's pregnant? She would never have sex with Peeta even if the Capitol forced her to. And let me tell you, they have. Haymitch pretty much has to super glue her onto lover boy's side. She's entirely not interested in him, even though he's been drooling over he for years. Tragic I know." She rolls her eyes. "I don't know why he's interested in her. She's quite mean and not even that pretty."

"Explains why you're single" Chaff mutters under his breath and Finnick laughs. Johanna was probably the cruelest person I had ever met, but she was very pretty.

She glares at him. "Shut it stumpy." It's a low blow insulting his chopped off hand, but he just smirks to himself. "Peeta can do much better than that. He's pretty hot and his body is delectable." She winks at him and Peeta's cheeks burn bright red, and I swear he's going to start an arguing with her about me or the baby or even what she said about him, but he doesn't. There is nothing to argue. Our fake relationship is not a secret among the victors. And it is true, next to Cashmere or Johanna I am not pretty. Everything she said was true. "When does the fake bump come out?" She asks laughing. "How will you inflate it in the arena? Will Peeta blow it up for you? You can go off hunting and he can stay in a cave making sure your sack of air is protected."

"Johanna enough." Finnick grumbles. "It's been a long day, and it can't guarantee if I'll be slaughtered in front of all of Panem by President Snow to-" She cuts him off. I thought Effie and Haymitch were bad, but these people had no respect for anyone and would talk over each other all day if they could.

"Either way you're gonna be slaughtered in front of all of Panem. What difference does it make if he does it or if I do it? In my opinion I would rather take the plunge now, get it all over with. I'm tired of the stupid games." Her words are harsh, and I expect a fight to start. Finnick says nothing and they grin at each other. Almost as if they're excited to go back in the arena. But I know that's not true because her fingers are tapping on her leg as one does when they're scared. "Maybe they'll take my suggestion and make it so much more fun by adding in all the other victors of Panem. The more the merrier! Wouldn't it be fun to have Haymitch and An-"

"Shut up!" Finnick roars. "This may be your way of coping, but I can't deal with it." Behind them the television is still blaring. The crowds still line the seat and the chanting continues to ring through the speaker. Caesar comes onto the stage and the darkness disappears. The rerun must have finished.

"Well that must have been the most exciting interview session I've had in a long time!" He laughs and the Capitol people begin to quiet down. "I managed to get you all a little treat. Well maybe I'm a bit selfish and got it for myself, but you all get to see it too." Another chuckle comes out of his mouth and everyone in the room rolls their eyes. It's not vey surprising what he says next, "A sit-down interview with our star-crossed lovers because we all want to know more. Am I right?" A boom of cheers erupts from the audience. It seems as if they forgot their little protest just minutes before. I can't take it anymore. There's just so much, and the last thing I want to do is put on a smile and tell the whole world some fake pregnancy story. I've disappointed everyone already. Tears welt up in the corners of my eyes, and this time I let them stream down the sides of my cheeks. I'm tired of hiding and being someone who I'm not. But today was not the day to be myself. Today was the day where I'm Katniss Mellark, the girl so in love with Peeta she would die for him. He deserved that kind of girl, but that would never be me, nor would it ever be real. Everyone around me watches as the girl on fire, fearless and strong has tears running down her face. Somehow all the makeup doesn't trail off with it, so when he tears land on my lap, they land clear. Peeta gets up from his seat and takes the one next to me. He has every right to hate me. I've done so many awful things to him, and all he gives back to me is kindness. I've broken his heart more times than I can count, yet he doesn't seem to care. He's deep down too nice of a person to see me in pain. His arms wrap around me leaning my face against his chest. He's warm and I hear his heart beat fast. He's just as scared, or even more scared than I am.

Haymitch bursts into the room, "Did you just hear?"

Peeta nods at him "Yeah I think everyone in Panem heard. Does Caesar have an inside voice or is it all yelling?" He tries to keep the conversation light-hearted, but it was beginning to get hard for him to do so. His laughter is stifled and his responses less charismatic.

"Everyone in Panem heard all right. Quite the show you put on back there. The whole world was watching, Caesar must be ecstatic. I've known the man for the last twenty-five years. He's been interviewing these Games for as long as I can remember. There are four things I know about him. He is loud as a bullhorn. The man has never shut his trap his entire life. He has one hell of a plastic surgeon. He knows what he's doing so just going along with it. He will help you. Any situation you are in he will spin it positive and make it look good for you. And finally, he is an awful drinking buddy. He's out like a light in half a cup."

"Haymitch, that's five not four." Peeta says.

Haymitch takes his flask out of his pocket and thrusts it at Peeta. "I know how to count Goddammit! Both of you should just drink up and get ready. I'm sending you both out there in fifteen minutes." Haymitch storms off muttering to himself about how he shouldn't have wasted his time with Peeta and I. He didn't mean it, but it still was true.

* * *

Before we go back onstage Haymitch stops to speak to us and take his flask back. Much to his dismay, its empty. He loosens Peeta's tie "Effie has you looking like there's a noose around your neck." He looks me over quickly and nods. Earlier, my prep team and Effie came with a new dress and to fix my makeup. It was a black bell shaped, knee length dress with capped sleeved. They brought me a pair of black strappy heels to match. Peeta's in an all black suit. We look like we're in mourning in my opinion, but according to Effie we look sleek and 'just darling'. I don't know how that's supposed to win over the Capitol, but whatever she think will work I'll do. Her and Haymitch seem to have a slight idea of what they're doing. He puts his hands on our shoulders and begins his little speech like he does before every interview. "All the lovey dovey stuff you both have been doing for the past year has been great. Now, I just need you to do that, but three times bigger. I want the whole shebang. Lots of crying, declarations of love, make them all see why they shouldn't let you go tomorrow."

"Any last advice?" I ask hoping for something that will remind me why I should do this and not just give myself up to the Capitol.

"Stay alive." He smirks sending us off to Caesar. Three white rounded chairs are now in the center of the stage. Applause and deafening cheers are the only here for at least five minutes. Caesar kisses me on the cheek and shakes Peeta's hand. Hopefully none of his makeup rubbed off on me. I don't want the last image of me to be looking like some sort of bleached out blueberry. We sit in the chairs as a hush falls over the room.

Peeta crosses his right leg over his left and our knees brush. I shiver a bit from the chill in the room and the contact. He quickly notices and takes off his suit jacket, "Here. You're cold." He places the jacket over my shoulders and a chorus of 'Awwwws' are heard in the audience.

Behind the curtains I hear Haymitch whoop "Yes!" and Effie slapping him to be quiet.

In response to the jacket I kiss Peeta on the cheek; letting my lips linger for a bit longer than necessary. I keep thinking of Prim and my mother and how they'll lose the house as soon as I die. Every second longer that my lips are on him is another second they get heat and electricity. "Thank you." I tell him.

He winks at me "Anytime."

Caesar laughs jovially. "Look at you two. As in love as ever."

"We're just making the best of what we have left. We want our last memories of each other to be happy ones. " My hand grazed his cheek. It was surprising that I was the one who was talking first. I was getting better at this faking thing. The longer I was around people from the Capitol, the more I knew about their culture. Terms of endearment and chivalrous acts of love were obsessed about by them. Probably because none of them had any manners and paid people to open doors and pull out chairs for them.

Caesar nods somberly, "I see. So how is it going to work in the Games? Any specific plans that you can tell us?" People begin to _boo_ Caesar, but he doesn't take back the question. He knows just as well as I do that the people want to know everything.

Peeta begins quickly "I want to keep her alive for as long as I can. Hopefully we make it to the last two, and then we can have a proper goodbye. There will be no me and her taking the plunge together this year. I'm willing to kill myself on the spot just so she- they can both survive." The they part was a nice addition. Peeta is going to push this as far as he can go.

"Peeta…" I shake my head slowly. "We didn't agree on that. I can't let you do that for me."

He grabs my hands and kisses them. He swivels his chair to face me now, make the audience feel like they're watching an actual intimate conversation of ours. "We're never going to agree on this. You have to let me to this. For you and the baby." The audience was captivated by the scene going on, victors had never talked like this especially in front of a camera and a crowd.

What Peeta and I were doing was working, but I needed something bigger to win everyone over. I think of Prim and the reaping and if I hadn't been there to stop it. I picture her as Rue, Marvel's spear sticking out of her chest. When tears begin to fall down my cheeks I know that I'm doing the right thing. "I can't do this without you. I won't do this without you. I need you Peeta. I need you more than anyone has ever needed another person before. I can't watch you die." I realize what Haymitch and Effie set up. The crying, the all black attire, we're supposed to be mourning each other. A swan song for an extremely talented act. The pre-funeral for two individuals who will never get funerals.

Peeta wipes the tears from my flushed cheeks, "Just remember that I love you. Always have. Always will." I hear people in the crowd sobbing. If they knew that none of this was real, the tears would turn to screams.

 _I love you too._ I mouth back to him. I'm too afraid that I wouldn't be able to say it out loud or I would start laughing.

Caesar wipes some tears from his own eyes "While this is all very touching. I'm afraid if you continue this conversation we'll all be wrecks by the end. We can't have that, my hair looks too good today. Let's talk about your unborn child. How many weeks are you?"

"Three" I say. It seemed like a number small enough for me not to have a bump.

"When did you find out?" Caesar leans his chin on his hand. I never knew if he was aware of all the falseness. He looked around at everybody as if he knew all of their darkest secrets, but would never reveal anything.

I think for a second. I had to make it believable, but heartbreaking at the same time. "The morning before President Snow announced the Quarter Quell." The pout on Caesar's face shows that I picked the right day.

"We got that one day. It was more than enough." I nod in agreement. "The sun was shining. She was smiling brighter than I've never seen her before. Not a smidgen of trouble on her face. I wouldn't trade it for anything."

"Any names in mind? Maybe Caesar?" He lifts one of his eyebrows at the crowd and they all hoot in approval.

Peeta jokingly nods at me. "I can see it now. Little Caesar Mellark running to school in her pigtails." Caesar bursts out in laughter and I swear I'm going deaf.

"We have no names yet; sorry." I shrug to the crowd and they give me disappointed whining noises. It's the first truth I've said in a while. I could have thought of some random name, but I didn't have the energy to pick a reason. They always wanted a reason back in the Capitol. I look back at Peeta "We should probably discuss names after we finish this interview."

Caesar nods at us. "A nice printed copy of the final list would be nice." Chuckles echo from the stadium. "Katniss, do you plan on raising the baby back in District Twelve or here in the Capitol?" The interview sounds like I've already won. But I know why Caesar's doing what he's doing. He can't handle another outburst like the one before, so he must only speak in positive hypotheticals. As if there was some sort of chance that a pregnant teenager could make it out alive.

I take Peeta's hand. "District Twelve is my home. It's where I grew up and where Peeta grew up. It has so much of our personal history in bedded into it. While the Capitol is the place where Peeta and I fell in love, District Twelve is where we wanted to settle down together. I want our baby to know its father as much as it can if he's not next to me and I think District Twelve is the right place to be for that." Peeta slams his lips onto mine for a final embellishment of the act. I want to push

"That is so touching. We all should want a love like yours." Fake and doomed for death. How romantic! "I have one final question for you two. Are you excited?" Excited for what? I wanted to ask Caesar that so badly. Excited to die? If that's the question then the answer was most definitely yes. I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

I nod in response, waiting until I could trust myself to not shoot back a string of insults. I plaster a huge grin on my face "Extremely. Peeta and I wanted kids since we got home from last years' games. He would make the best father. It just never was the right time to start a family, I guess it never is." Everyone around me seems to guy it. I don't know how anyone would want kids after they've seen a Hunger Games, nevertheless been in one. Kids die in the districts, everybody knew that.

* * *

AN: Hey guys. I hope you guys like the new rewritten version of this chapter. I wasn't really proud of the writing originally, and this one is much better in setting up the plot in my opinion.

If you want to see Katniss' dress for the second interview you can find it at on google. I would put down the link, but it keeps deleting it. But if you search up "cap sleeves" on google and go to images it should be the seventh picture there. It's a black dress and it is so pretty! I really want it, but I have nowhere to wear it to. Maybe in the future though.

For Peeta's suit you can find it also on google (fan fiction should really start letting you post links) just search "all black suits" on google and look on images and it should be the first one there. Josh would look really good in it, but Josh looks good in everything tbh


	2. Chapter 2

I sit in the living room on the District 12 floor of the tribute center. I attempt to busy myself with a news paper, but all the articles in it are about the Quarter Quell and the interviews. I thrust it down onto the coffee table and a picture of the all tributes holding hands opens up. Peeta glances up at it, but then stations his eyes firmly back on the floor. His chair is a few feet away from me, close enough that it is made awkward by us not talking. He knows that he just did something he can never take back. I don't blame him for dong it though. Well I actually do... But just a little. He wanted to save himself- no he wanted to save me. Peeta couldn't just let it be and let me die in the arena. He had to be so strong willed and caring that he had to protect me. All I wanted to do was to protect him, but of course he would not accept that. He kept saying that I have a family to protect that needed me and would miss me. I responded with that he and Gale would provide for my family. Peeta needed to live or else I would never forgive myself.

Haymitch barges through the door with bottles of alcohol in his hands. _We are both deader than dead. He brought it to numb his pain. There is no other explanation._ Haymitch pats Peeta on the back and when I think he is going to tell us the bad news he just laughs, "You did it son!" He slowly claps his hands together shaking his head back and forth. His laughter rattles the room and it's the laugh he uses when someone did not get their way. It confuses me when Haymitch calls him 'son'. Peeta and Haymitch argue more than him and I do. It's probably because Peeta thinks of the wellbeing of others while the only morals Haymitch lived by was get drink till the corners of your eyes go black. "Peeta you just beat the Capitol at their own goddamn game!" His chuckles are loud enough to be heard throughout the whole building. He bends over clutching his abdomen and I fear that he was going to throw up on the floor. "They cancelled the games." He says calmly standing up and regaining composure. "They cancelled the motherfucking games! That's one hell of a Quarter Quell twist!" He bellows this time. I swear Haymitch has gone mad, someone must have slipped something in his drink or he has gotten bored of alcohol and moved onto drugs. Either way, I smile a bit. I can be the one who can protect Prim. Peeta can go off and live and be happy, and I can too. I will have no more guilt nor dependance on anyone else but myself. "The only catch is that you'll actually have to have a kid and get married. But those are easy things." He shrugs as if the news is nothing to him and hands me and Peeta both a bottle. "I'm not usually one for sharing, but today is a special occasion. One of you two actually got a brain and didn't create a big problem that I have to deal with. To a free Haymitch with no more responsibilities besides making sure that in 9 months you have a crying fetus."

"Why exactly?" I ask. "The games are cancelled. Snow can do nothing to us now."

"That's where you're wrong, sweetheart." Haymitch takes a swig from one of his two remaining bottles. He sees Peeta put his on the table and sends him a nasty look. "You can deny me, but do not deny my good deeds and my booze." He begins to walk around the coffee table. "Snow can send you back into that arena any day he decides. Pregnant or not pregnant, but he doesn't want to start some kind of uprising. The Capitol is fine with sending kids off to die, but not unborn children apparently. And the magical things about babies is that they actually become people. So in nine months the Capitol is expecting a nice little blond child in your arms. If that doesn't happen..." He stops. Peeta and I knew what was the ending of that sentence. We would both be dead within an hour.

"What about we say that I lost the baby?" There are so little choices of what we could say or do, so I need to try all of them. This cannot happen to me. This child means no way out of the Capitol's spotlight. Forever on Peeta's side reliving the Hunger Games every day. During the Victory Tour, Haymitch told me that it would be just an interview here and there and training tributes to die for two weeks. It seemed like a lot to me, but besides those short stays in the Capitol I could go off and do what I want. But having a child meant that the Capitol would constantly watch us. They love a romance story, but a happy ending just made them love it even more.

"A miscarriage wouldn't work. They have no sympathy for dead children, remember? They need a distraction and if that isn't a kid, its a blood bath in the arena. If you lose the baby, then you can say goodbye to your life. Every tribute would come after you. They all hated you at first because everyone is quite aware that this year's Games is a retaliation from your little stunt last year. You're on all of their good lists right now because Peeta's the reason they were saved. But to put any of the victors back in the arena, even the ones who wanted to be in the Quell you will be everyone's target." My lips purse together. I don't want the Games to happen, but the thought of having child is even worse to me. Haymitch sees me pondering and groans, "You just need to have a child, it doesn't matter who or what it is with. Just get preg- no actually I take that back, no gingers. We can't risk having a redhead baby. I don't want to have to explain that." I was stuck. There was no going back or finding any loopholes this time. I silently stand up and walk to my room. Even I am surprised by my calm demeanor towards this, but in my mind there was a war going on. I look around at my room, my nightgown laying on the floor along with my clothes from previous days. It was not the room of a wife and a mother to be. I did not have the face or the personality of either of them. I was just Katniss, the mean spirited hunter from District Twelve. The girl who somehow escaped the Hunger Games twice.

* * *

"Well that backfired." I turn over in my bed and see Peeta leaning against my doorframe. It had been twenty minutes since I left him and Haymitch. Peeta leans against my doorframe twenty minutes after I leave the living room. Effie and Haymitch probably want to set some sort of plan up and sent him here to coax me out of my room. They realize that I'm least likely going to snap at him without him yelling back. It was no in his nature to do so. I didn't want to come out, nor would I ever want to. Let the Capitol see my corpse in here. Put it all over the magazines and television programs they have. Let them see what those games have done to me. Haymitch and Effie lied to me. There is no life of a victor. No carefree life of happiness and wealth. In the Hunger Games, there are no winners only survivors. I'm not even sure I can call myself that anymore. I'm barely alive at this point, I just say my lines and run through the motions of my scripted life. I want the Capitol to see what the romance that they love has done to me. They say that love hurts, but why is not being in love feel so numb? I'm angry, I am sure of that. I'm just not sure who I am angry at. Am I angry at Peeta for trying to save me and getting me this whole mess to begin with? Am I mad at Haymitch for helping him orchestrate this whole thing? Or am I mad at Snow for edging them both on. I determine that I am mad at all of them and so many more people for reason that I cannot even figure out. I had always been a girl with a hardshell. It took months for Gale to get anything out of me, and he was my only friend. Now, the shell has grown shells of it's own and everyone one of them gets thicker and harder; sparing me from all those I know.

"It's not all bad." Sarcasm drips from my voice. "Didn't you hear that Snow is hosting us an amazing Capitol wedding!" My voice has a nasty sneer in it and for a second I feel bad. Peeta is only doing Haymitch and Effie's bidding for them. He's saving me so they don't have to. My fist slams against the wall. I have no control over my life anymore. I have no control over my actions or my words or even my thoughts. They all just run on this track of prepared statements and approved ideas. I'm just a piece in their big game of chess. Expendable, and I can easily be replaced. I feel as though Snow knows that this is all an act and has known for quite some time. Peeta can weave a web of lies that can trick the most clever of people, but I cannot. Snow has spies everywhere, he must have seen my constant acts of hatred towards Peeta. The only people who don't see them are those who don't wish to. They sees the romance which is so sickly sweet that it cannot be real. The boy who speaks justice and pacifism, only lethal when he needs to save someone else cannot love me. I'm lethal all the time, constantly on my guard and preach war and violence to end every problem. I'm quite a coward in that way.

"I'll go call the bridesmaids." Peeta mumbles giving up on getting me out returning to wherever he came from.

* * *

Peeta and I had not spoken since Effie and Haymitch sent him. We would smile and play the part for the cameras, but no words were actually exchanged to one another. We speak to the public, no more intimate sweet nothings come out of our mouths like during the interview. I don't think I could speak to him nevertheless call him ridiculous pet names and discuss colors for a nursery. His voice makes me sick, so pure and innocent. Yet almost everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, and it sounded so true.

Every night Peeta, Johanna, Finnick, and a revolving door of other tributes would go to the training room to sit and talk. I didn't know what they were talking about in there, but I knew I was a topic that came up frequently. "So has the deed been done?" Finnick asks Peeta his smirk stretching across his face. Peeta raises his eyebrow in confusion. "Has the deed been done?" Finnick asks again this time tilting his head towards Peeta in a suggestive manner. Peeta gives Finnick the same eyebrow quirk again, still not fully grasping what he was saying. "Has the deed been done!"

"He wants to know if you've had sex with Katniss yet." Johanna rolls her eyes. Her and Finnick were still not on great terms with each other since their small fight a week previously. Neither one wanted to admit that they were wrong. They both were prideful and full of spite which was not a good mixture for an apology.

"No." Peeta shrugs "We haven't talked for a week. We had a bit of a fight, and she's been ignoring me ever since. I made an effort, and she didn't take it. I'm not trying anymore." He didn't see the problem not speaking. Peeta was the type of guy who someone could not speak to in years and they could resume right where they left off. He was surely upset with me. He gets us out the games, and I couldn't even say thank you for saving my life. I was too busy being selfish and worrying about my personal vendetta against the Capitol for all that they had done. And it was only one week, Peeta and I hadn't spoken for sixteen years before the reaping.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Johanna stands up and walks over to Peeta, her eyes emblazoned with fury. She towered over his sitting figure and looked as if she would pounce on his at any moment. Her face was tinted crimson and her eyes glaring daggers into his. "That arena is no longer in my head. I have stopped drafting all my plans! My fear of that arena is gone again! I refuse to let her fear of intimacy and anger problems to be the reason I go back! If I see that little weasel I'm gonna wring her neck until-"

"Her anger problems." Finnick snickers his mouth curling into a smirk.

She scowls at him. "Odair, I'm going to kill you one day. It may be today. It may be tomorrow, but you're a dead man." She grabs the axe next to her and aims it towards his head. Quickly, she throws it at a target behind him. It hits the center. Finnick looks unfazed. He's seen her do this before, this happened between them at least six times a year in the training room. She was a mean person, but an even meaner drunk.

I walk into the room, attempting to make as little noise as possible. I just wanted to shoot a bow to get my anger out, and I forgot that they were always hanging out in there.

"She finally graces us with her presence." Finnick smiles at me. I don't know if it's genuine or a threat. I hope a threat because I don't want to waste any energy being nice to him.

"Weasel." Johanna growls quietly. Finnick swats her with her hand to make her be quiet. We all stare at each other for a few moments until Johanna inevitably blurts, "So why aren't you pregnant yet?" Finnick, Peeta, and I just look at her, remaining silent. The answer was quite obvious, and she already knew it. Johanna shrugs, not caring about the opinions of others, especially me. I roll my eyes and sit down on a mat next to Peeta. He hastily gets up and moves to another spot on the floor. I guess I deserved that. His friendship cannot just be a one sided thing.

"One day you tell me you love me, and now you act as though we are enemies." I keep my tone flat. I don't want to have another breakdown, but I sound like the calm before the storm. I'm already known by the victors for having sporadic outbursts, I can't let them see me scream again. It's not worth it.

"Can we please deal with this later?" He begs, his eyes pleading with me. They widen and look like blue balloons expanding and expanding until they pop.

"Oh no continue." Johanna and Finnick say at the same time. I see them slightly smile at each other. Of course they're able to end their feud by making others uncomfortable. It's what they were best at and probably what caused them to be such good friends in the first place.

I grab Peeta by his emerald green v-neck, pull him to his feet, and drag him towards the eleavor. We get in together and immediately start screaming at each other.

"What was that!"

"Fuck you!"

"You get pissed when I am openly mad at you, but it seems to hurt your inner core if I pretend to be fine with you, but actually am angry." I roll my eyes. "So what do you want Peeta? The fake ray of sunshine I give everyone else or my actual moody self."

He crosses his arms, "I don't want any more of your crap. Our problems are our problems. There is no need to bring anyone else into them. Enough people are already aware of them."

"I was only trying to be civil and make a bit of conversation." I grumble.

"Maybe I'm just tired of being second best, Katniss. Do you understand how bad it makes you feel when the person you love most in this world doesn't love you back? No. You don't. The people you love always love you! Everyone loves you!" The voice inside my brain laughs. Why was Peeta Mellark saying this to me? He attracted people like flies go to honey. "Maybe Haymitch is right. Have the kid with Gale, keep me on the sidelines for press. But I'm tired of all the back and forth. Tell me it's all fake. I want to hear it out of your mouth. Just let me go find someone who puts me at number one. Just le-" I slam my lips onto his. They are warm and instantly sends a wave of heat through my when they touch mine. I love Gale, but at that moment all I could think about was kissing Peeta. It could have been the threat of not getting pregnant hanging above my head, but I wanted to kiss him. Peeta kisses back for a while, and suddenly Gale's feelings escape from my mind. Gale almost escapes my brain all together. This is Peeta and I want to be with him right now. Peeta blinks a couple times and I know something had just gone through his head. His lips slowly pull away from mine. He opens his mouth to say something but I shush him.

"Does the girl who puts you number one do that?" I whisper in his ear. It hits me that I did it again. I got lost in the same carousel of feelings he was in. I didn't care about Gale or anything at the moment. I didn't care what others thought. We were us in that second, and that was all that mattered.

...

Our strides are long and quick as we make it back into the training room. His cheeks are pink from a slight blush. Johanna and Finnick probably won't notice. They were too busy picking on each other and snapping at me. My new nickname became Weasel and there was nothing that could make me cringe more. Peeta, while being close to polar opposites of them joined their little group and became one of them in a way that I would never be. They were broken, that was their defining characteristic. I fit much more into that category than Peeta did, he still remained whole somehow. Maybe it was an act, or just his personality, but he seems to have grown into himself more since the games. Gone was the boy who allowed everyone to walk all over him. The careers had underestimated Peeta during training and continued to for the rest of the Games. But he was alive, and they were now all dead. Peeta was stronger than any of them could ever have been. He was stronger than me. He was stronger than any of the other victors. He was stronger than Snow. All because he had hope. But hope wavers in a way which Peeta did not. Maybe that's why people gravitate towards Peeta and not me, he tries to fix broken things. He tries to fix me.

"Did you have fun?" Johanna looks over at me a smirk plastered on her face. Why does she have to smirk so much. It was so infuriating. Always suggesting something without saying a word.

"Nothing happened." I shoot back fast. _Bad move, Katniss_ my mind says. Her and Finnick look at each other and laugh. They did not believe it. The voice in my head groans, why did I have to follow every impulse I had? Having no impulse control was a commonality between the victors. Most abused some sort of substance or drowned in their sorrows. Once again Peeta came out looking like the perfect angel. His level of control was quite impressive. Almost to the point of him having to force himself t say or do anything reckless, but for me, he did it.

"Then why is your hair messy? I would say it's because you're a natural mess, but apparently they've been trying to make you look nice. Or like less of a neanderthal. I'm gonna give you my one daily compliment. You looked less disgusting than usual until you and Peeta got a bit too reckless. Now you're back to being a cave woman. You're welcome for that." I look down at my curls and find them perfectly neat. I had fallen into her trap. If nothing had happened I would be sure of the state of my hair, but something did happen back there. No one can deny that. Thank god the Quell was cancelled because I would lose in a second. I fell into the manipulation and couldn't manipulate Johanna back. These people were stronger, smarter, and more manipulative. The first cannon fired would be for me.

* * *

AN: I hope you all had a good thanksgiving if you celebrate. I would really appreciate some feedback on how I can make the story better


	3. Chapter 3

Peeta and I ignored each other for several days. But that was the revolving door neither of us could exit. I would lead him on, feel something for Peeta, then feel something for Gale. Then Peeta would get hurt, which would cause him to not talk to me. If he was not going to speak to me, I would not make an effort to talk to him. That just was not me. I talked back, never the conversation starter. I was ashamed of how my feelings had become such a cliche. My feelings have done the flip flop frequently since the games. I felt terrible for Peeta in the aftermath of each one of these. To him, it was not an act. He was an amazing actor, and could make us look happy. He could make us look any way he wanted to. He didn't need to make us look happy.

I was beginning to depend on his less. Effie was teaching me how to refine myself for the camera. The room for messing up in front of the Capitol was growing smaller and smaller. My acting skill had gotten pretty good. Less out-bursting, more gushing. I could play the part of a loving wife. And everyone was oblivious to the falseness.

...

Haymitch was getting fed up. Everyday he would yell at us how his head was on a platter too. He had stopped drinking in mass quantity and was meaner sober than he was drunk. His blunt comments turned into angry rants. It was mostly directed towards me, but occasionally he would scream about Effie, Peeta, and occasionally Finnick. Apparently he used to drink Haymitch's ale in the room where they used to watch their tributes die. "That cocky asshole has only gotten one kid out alive. I got two. And both of them in the exact same year." He would boast. Effie would then remind him that he had been a mentor for twenty three years, while Finnick had only been one for 9. For the next give minutes only strings of curses would come out of his mouth.

After that he would go on a tangent asking why I haven't had sex with Peeta. Haymitch had his mood swings, just like me. But that topic always got him furious. At this point, I wasn't sure why I wasn't having sex with Peeta either. It was bound to happen, and every day I don't get pregnant is one closer to my suspected due date. I can't be nine months pregnant and lack a bump. But the thought of Peeta seeing me more vulnerable than anyone else scared me. I would be a fish out of water. I knew what sex was of course, but that was about it. They didn't offer classes on how to please a man in school. And even if they did, I surely wouldn't have listened.

...

Snow came to brunch with Effie, Peeta, Haymitch, and I to talk more about my upcoming wedding. He was flying my mother, Prim, and Peeta's family in from District twelve. I forced him to allow Gale to come. I know it is selfish of me, but I know I can't do it without him. I can't take anymore time in the Capitol without him. And from what it seems, I may be here for a while.

Peeta's father is ecstatic that he's marrying me. His son got the girl of his dreams, under a marriage of convince. But Mr. Mellark is certain that his son can woo me into a real marriage with him. His mother disagrees. She is still not happy with me, even with the victor money. That just made me slightly tolerable in her eyes. I'm fine with that because I never liked her either. His brothers do not care about our upcoming nuptials. They're just happy that it's not them getting married. One of them is a player, and the other doesn't care for actual relationships. They just want some good Capitol food, and some decent looking Capitol women.

My family is overall happy about my wedding. So happy that it makes up for my disdain for the idea. Prim loves Peeta with all her heart and my mother feels the same way. He's good to them, just as he's good to me. He brings Prim bags of cookies and made her a large cake on her birthday. He cares for her, which is all that matters in my eyes. They both love him, and I couldn't be any more upset about marrying him. At the moment, he didn't seem so pleased with me either. At breakfast, we glare at each other as Buttercup used to glare at me. We also would purposely do things to upset the other. He would hang all over Johanna, and for some reason I would get jealous. I'm quite territorial in that way. Even if I don't want something- it still was mine. Johanna was smart, beautiful, willing. Everything I was not. She would have that baby in a heartbeat, and she would love it. Because anything that would love her, she would snatch. Her and Finnick for example. They loved each other as siblings or best friends, I haven't determined which yet. They never left each other's side. But the cause of that still may be the threat of the other tributes. Even now, with the games off they would still look at her with eyes of disdain. They feared Johanna and Finnick more than anyone else in the pool of victors. Everyone wanted to make them both and ally to them. But knew it would never last. The only loyalty they had was to each other. Finnick was never a true career tribute. In his games, he originally paired up with the other careers. But on the first night when he was keeping watch, he killed them all. Stabbed them all in the throat with his trident so that they couldn't scream and could watch each other die. All the victors knew that he would do the exact same thing in this arena. And with Johanna on his side, he was twice as deadly. She was the best fighter out of all of the victors probably. When you add in her cunning brain and ruthlessness, she was unstoppable. She would only team up with someone of she could bring along Finnick, and even if her potential allies were going to agree, she would kill them all before they could say yes.

I was considered weak. That was another reason Johanna intimidated me. During the last games and in District 12 I was the cream of the crop. I knew how to shoot, and I never starved. Here I was nothing. Everyone else had a skill much more useful. Even Peeta, who was so lost in the arena and was also considered weak could break my neck like a twig. He would never do it of course, but that didn't mean he wasn't able to. He had only gotten stronger since the last games, he worked out with Finnick and Gloss every day to keep himself in shape. He would be meaningless if he got fat. The Capitol wouldn't love him anymore, they only wanted pretty, small things.

Snow's people could also break my neck. Or shoot me. Or hang me for everyone to see. They might even find some humor and force me to eat some nightlock like Seneca Crane. Kill me with the thing I killed their games with. I was going to die if I didn't get pregnant. So would everyone around me and everyone at home who if loved. I needed to find a small bit of Johanna Mason in myself. For my mother, for Gale, for Prim, for Peeta.

...

Peeta sat with Haymitch in the living room. The sun was setting and the room dimming, but neither of them got up to turn on the lights. They both had glasses filled with amber liquid in their palms, scotch, probably. Peeta was never a heavy drinker, or much of a drinker at all. Yet recently he's been doing it more and more. Maybe the golden boy also needed to cope with something. Haymitch starts asking him questions, "Is she-"

"No." Peeta responds quickly. He had been asked the question at least twice a day. No one would even mention the word baby around me. They were all aware of my hatred of the situation.

"Well have you at least-"

"No Haymitch."

"Just take the girl on a date. Then you'll seal the deal." I was always 'the girl' as if I didn't have a name. This was probably because I was the dispensable one of the team. I'm the one who said for us to eat the berries. But he was the mastermind of this whole plan. He's the one who told Caesar that he loved me, that we married, and that I was pregnant in the first place. They could put any girl in my position and she could get pregnant. But him... They could pick any guy to play the scene of loving me. That was hard in itself, but to also make sure I don't screw up either. That took practiced thought which I was not capable of.

Peeta shakes his head at Haymitch. "I am not taking Katniss on a date." When he thought of dates he thought of his second oldest brother Rye putting on some suit and taking some random merchant girl out. He would pay for dinner by trading some stolen bakery goods before. He would never use his own money on any of those girls. If the restaurant was not willing to trade, Rye would have Delly Cartwright make the meal for them. Rye would tell the girl that he cooked it himself. She only did it because she was in love with the middle Mellark boy. She did not even care that those dates always lead to him having sex with the merchant girl. Rye would come home and force Peeta to listen to his stories about it. His oldest brother used to roll his eyes and tell Peeta to not listen to any of Rye's stories because they were most likely 'BS'. I doubted that Rye was lying though. Girls in District 12 thought all the Mellarks were handsome, even to the point where some girls had 'favorites'. Rye would never talk bad about the girls though, sometimes even talking highly about them. The next week here was always someone else though.

Peeta's reluctance only lead to another scolding from Haymitch. This time about how he was beginning to think I was the more likable one. As if Haymitch could ever have this conversation with me without having my knife stuck into his hand or having to tie me down by the end. It was sweet for Peeta to not want me to become random girl, but I didn't not want him thinking about me in that way. We were allies, not boyfriend and girlfriend.

Haymitch and Peeta argued for another fifteen minutes. Each other resulting to screaming and cursing at each other. But eventually, Haymitch convinced him to go ask me out. Peeta walks to my door a scowl still on his face. He gently knocks, and I want to go open the door. Effie was teaching me how to look happier. Apparently, people were beginning to think that I wasn't actually in love with Peeta. Good for them for noticing something real for once. It disgusted me how I had to learn how to be happy, so I wanted to do anything else besides have this conversation. I go to open the door, but Effie sends me a dirty look. I sit back down. Peeta then thinks that it would be a better idea to knock a bit louder. Effie's eyes still tell me no. His loud knocks turn into pounding on the door. "Katniss! I know you're in there!" I decide that it is an appropriate time to let him in before he just breaks the door. He laughs a bit when he sees both mine and Effie's scowls. "I'm taking you out." This sounds worse than my conversation with Effie so I begin to close the door on him. Peeta pushes the door in the opposite direction making it open again. "Haymitch got us a reservation to the nicest restaurant in the Capitol."

I am not enthused by this idea. "Go with Haymitch." I grumble.

"I already asked, but he said he was busy." Peeta jokes. I point towards the door. "We are getting married in two weeks. Please just try to put an effort in." His eyes plead with me.

I smell the alcohol on his breath, which causes me to scrunch up my nose. "Have you been drinking?" He shrugs, an obvious yes. "I was really hoping you wouldn't end up like this. You're becoming Haymitch. But you have no reason to... You have lost nothing." His whole face sinks, and it's evident that he is hurt by this.

Peeta begins to exit the room and then calls over his shoulder to me, "Just be ready in 10 minutes." He continues to slump out, slamming the door on his way out.

"I'll have her ready in 15." Effie says to the door hoping he would hear. I realized it in that moment standing silent in my room, the thing that he lost was me.

AN: So a date *inserts suggestive face emoji* what do you guys think is going to happen? Also any reviews would be awesome. Feedback is great, or just your predictions and opinions on my writing would also be really helpful.

Also sorry it took me so long to update. It was my birthday, and I couldn't write with everyone surrounding me.


	4. Chapter 4

Peeta waited the 15 minutes that Effie told him I would take. It turned I to 20, then 25, and then thirty. The whole time Effie primped me until she felt that I looked reasonable. She did not think I was dressed up enough, I felt that I was overdressed. Peeta, I don't think was going to dress up that much. He preferred sold colored t-shirts and jeans. I complained, but Effie insisted. She wanted the press to notice everything, and flashy and dressed to the nines was something the press spotted as quickly as Effie noticed stains. In truth, Effie had not given up on the idea on Peeta and I either reconciling our friendship or dating. She was such a hopeless romantic, and if she was not one of the orchestrators of the plan, she would believe in out love- all of the Capitol's bullshit. The star-crossed lovers who can finally have their chance at happiness. At least Haymitch knew that there was no fixing me and Peeta. We were bound to despise each other for the rest of our fake relationship.

Effie stuck me in a dress she got for an interview the next week. "This is a better occasion." She smiled, I responded with a scowl and a complaint that I needed it for the interview. "I'll have Cinna make something tomorrow. Caesar Flickerman will compliment you if you come wearing a sack. District twelve couture." Effie laughs at her own joke, a loud happy laugh. I wanted to scowl at her again, but I was sure she would somehow make me look more ridiculous if I did. Effie was one to do that, put me in my place. Someone had to do it. "Red is really your color." I look like the damsel in distress from a fairy tale. My dark hair, pink cheeks, and pale skin. Effie tries to slather some red lipstick on me, but I refuse.

"He likes me better when I'm looking more natural." The lie slips through my teeth. I had no idea which version of me Peeta likes best. Effie beams and throws the lipstick on the vanity, obviously pleased with my response. I'm sure she thought that it was a step closer in the direction she wanted up for us.

"It matched the dress so nicely. But I guess I should let you make a decision every once in a while." A booming snigger echoes in my head. This was so Effie could have her little romance, not so she could make me feel like I can have choices. I never had the choice, especially when it came to my love life. Even without the makeup I looked ridiculous. It was a short, long sleeved, dress of a blinding vermillion. Effie took a pair of scissors and carefully cut the dress a few inches shorter. The original was too short for me, I felt like a hooker in this version. I'm sure Peeta would love it. To make it worse Effie slashed an even triangular cutout on my chest to expose some cleavage. Even though I was dressed like a prostitute I was very impressed by Effie's craftsmanship. For a woman who prided herself so heavily on how luxurious her life was, she was quite good at acting like a seamstress. She notices my amusement on her snipping and adjusting, "A lady needs to know how to do her own work. People these days can't do anything correctly." My mother told me something like that. Except her point was most likely that we could save money. I had no interest in sewing dresses.

I observe Effie's own ensemble. "So did you make what you're wearing?" It was green frock which made her look like a giant iguana.

Effie burst out in a spurt of hysterical laughter. "Of course not! It's designer." The old Effie as back faster than this new side of her appeared. "And if it was my work, it would be ten times better." Did she mean bigger, brighter, and obnoxious? But then it comes to me that I didn't truly know Effie. I guess you really never fully know someone.

...

After another fifteen minutes of being prodded and poked like a mannequin I was deemed to not only look decent, but date ready. Effie spins me around and nods at her own creation. "He's waiting." She practically pushes me out the door which causes me to stumble in my heels. Peeta is adjusting his pants and belt. He looks up and sees me and I can tell that he likes what he sees. He does that thing where he bites his bottom lip and looks at his shoes which always means that he thinks that I look nice. But he also blushes beet red and so do I because he's still adjusting his belt.

"Um... I forgot my jacket." His voice is a bit muffled due to his chin digging into his clavicle.

I chuckle lightly at him "you were waiting for like forty five minutes." He grins at me. I never noticed how white and straight his teeth were. Almost like a commercial.

He starts to jog up the stairs calling down "I'll be back in a moment". I roll my eyes at him not truly caring if Peeta came down in the moment he promised or a month from now.

A minute later he strolled down the stairs slipping on a suit jack with a tie draped around his neck. "I decided that the tie was a good addition." He shrugs sheepishly. I just nod in response, not really in the mood for adding on. Peeta pushes the elevator ten times and fumbles with his tie while we wait for it to come. Usually I would offer to tie it for him, but he dragged me on this date, so he deserves to do as much work as possible. I will give him no shortcuts, eventually, he ties it and grins at me. Peeta can definitely realize that I am mad that him, but he doesn't mind. I am always upset with him, so today is nothing special.

I'll admit that he looked good in the suit. The all black ensemble really showed off his tone arms. It made the blond of his hair and blue of his eyes look brighter in contrast. Also his already defined jawline looked looked even more chiseled. His hair was a bit tousled, yet it didn't ruin the look somehow. It maybe even made him look better. It was times like this when I missed Gale. When Peeta looked good, it made me want Gale. When Peeta looked really good, it only made me want Gale more. I know that it's horrible to think that way. What kind of person had I become? What kind of person could ever have that sort of logic? Gale never cared how he looked. He didn't care about his hair, or his clothes, or if he remembered his jacket or not. Gale didn't care about what anyone thought of him. He only cared about what he thought of himself, and providing for his family. The thoughts that surround my head every second of the day. Slowly but surely though; the former thought was beginning to be replaced. The Capitol does that to people, turn them into what they despise and who they used to taunt. Because everyone gets shaped into a mold in the Capitol, and maybe mine wasn't a girl on fire anymore.

...

After the elevator comes we stand in it in silence. I shift my weight from one side to another. Peeta leans his body against the glass wall. "um... You look good. Really- um good." The well spoken boy from the interviews was not the one I was speaking to right now. His face blushed beet red and his eyes were directly on me,

"You don't look to bad yourself Caesar." I shoot him an exaggerated fake smile. He chuckles and eventually so do I. But as we finish out lighthearted conversation the elevator opens to the lobby of the tribute center. "So where are we going for this 'date'" I mock the word date. This was anything but a date, more like a second job interview. Can I be Peeta Mellark's wife?

"Is the idea of going out with me so appalling?" Peeta tries to play it off humorously, but I know that he is hurt.

I shake my head slowly. Not wanting to give the impression that I actually want to go, but not bent rude. "I was just thinking of Rye."

Peeta looks at me his eyes full of confusion. "Why would anyone want to think of my brother? No offense to him of course, but why would you do that to yourself?" Peeta looks more relieved by the topic change. It's also evident in his tone shift. I would kill to be able to change emotions like that. Even if Peeta is still holding it all in, to be able to make everyone think that he feels a different way is something I need now. One wrong move and I won't be alive to make another.

"I saw your brother having sex in the woods." I say bluntly.

A disgusted look come across Peeta's face. "What? I am so sorry that you had to encounter him at all, nevertheless in such a compromising situation."

I smile slightly at his uncomfortable reaction. "Well it wasn't actually the woods. It was the meadow on the legal side of the fence-"

"Get on with the story. I want to get through this as quick as possible."

I begin again sending him a dirty look for his interruption. "Well Gale and I were going to go hunting and he was just there in the meadow. We weren't really paying attention and were just walking our normal route when we walked in on him getting it on with some merchant girl. They weren't paying much attention to us either, so you should have seen the look on your brother's face when he saw Gale looking down at him. Out of fear he you know..." I make a bursting hand motion and Peeta loudly laughs shaking his head.

"Rye ejaculated all over Gale?" I nod my head not saying anything. "Is that even possible? That story is insane!" Peeta continues to guffaw as he says this. Just that fact that he was comfortable talking about sex made me a bit uncomfortable. It wasn't really talked about much in the seam. None of us could afford any type of birth control, so the topic was saved until someone was married or at least in a very committed relationship that they wouldn't fear having a kid with the person.

I needed to find my inner Johanna to continue this conversation. I was strange to try and model a violent, psychopath, with substance abuse problems. She was a looser cannon than I was, finding it necessary to curse the Capitol out as much as she possibly could. During her reaping a few weeks previously, she stood there the only female victor. She made it her job to take the microphone and state, 'who the fuck is it going to be? Is it going to be me? My name is only in it three thousand fucking time, and there is no one else in the bowl! But of course a whole bowl is necessary!' She ended up pulling out a slip with her name obviously on it 'what a shocker! It's me!' She then continued to curse everyone out and scream until she was pulled off of the microphone. Somehow, the Capitol still loved her. Even though she was as mean as a person ever could be, she had the strength and the confidence I needed. "Well that day I learned it was entirely possible. All over Gale's shoes. He had to buy new ones because it even grossed him out too much. Gale beat your brother up after he managed to put his pants back on."

Peeta listens attentively to the story. I know he's going to give his brother a hard time once he comes to the Capitol for the wedding. "It all makes sense now why Rye is petrified of Gale. He used to say how Gale would kick his ass every time he passed him at school." Rye and Gale were in the same term at school. And it made easy sense why Rye was scared of Gale. Gale could have easily beaten him to a pulp, in any state of undress. Rye was tall, but pretty skinny. He had the kind of muscles you could only see if he flexed. Veins would pop out of his arm whenever he would lift something. All of the girls loved him. Rye was the Mellark boy I hated the least. He did not uphold the standards his brothers held. He was less perfect, and much more a real person.

His lankiness came from all the times he skipped out working in the bakery. He was in detention often, or running away from his mother. That witch scared everyone and her troublemaker son was probably the most constant receiver of her terror. "Gale was pretty annoyed for the rest of the day. It was probably the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." What was I doing? The worst topics I could ever talk about were Gale and Peeta's brother's sperm. And somehow I was able to incorporate them into one sentence.

...

The date went better after we left the tribute center. We fortunately left at a time where no one was in the lobby. Photographers of course were outside, so Peeta grabbed my hand and walked away from them. Their flashing lights following us as well as their questions. We didn't respond, just continued to walk with our fingers interlaced. Even after the paparazzi faded off into their large black cars we didn't speak, we spoke through our hands. He squeezed mine, 'are you okay?' It asked. I squeezed back twice 'I'm fine'.

Our time in the restaurant wasn't bad either. We made small talk and spoke about what we've both been doing. The fact that neither of us had talked to the other much made it much easier for me. There was a lot of time apart, which meant a lot of time we could talk about. He said he was excited to see his family and I agreed. Prim could preoccupy me during this awful time of my life. We ate and began to loosen up a bit more. After a while, I began to actually have a good time. Peeta had always been funny and entertaining and when were on good terms with each other, we really could make good conversation. Our opinions on more topics were opposite, but somehow that made it work. We could playfully argue and begin to see the other side. He usually was able to persuade me to his side, but I never really cared.

The only problem was the girls of the Capitol. All long legs and extremely skinny, they flirted with Peeta. I understood why, he was a handsome, tall, victor who was "in a relationship". They all loved the things that they couldn't get. Peeta it seemed was at the top of their list. They all saw me there, but that didn't stop them from rubbing his arms and legs. I imagine that having me there only seemed to make it better for them. Peeta politely told them to get off of him, but it still made me jealous. Peeta was not my actual boyfriend, but he was with me and our lives were at stake. I took a shot to calm my nerves, then another, and another. I understand now what Haymitch meant when he called me a lightweight. Because after those drinks, I was tipsy. I also wasn't a drunk that looked out for my own self interest because I started to spill secrets. "When did you get so hot?" I slightly slur. "All the girls at school used to think that you were good looking. They thought that about your older brothers too. Even Prim I think had a crush on you. Madge once told me that you guys looked like a group of Greek gods. But me, I never got it. Boys were never on my mind. Especially blond ones who always were on honor roll at school. But now, after everything we've been though I get it." Peeta shakes his head, but smirks at me. "I should have eaten those berries. I should have ended it all. I just wanted to save you. I needed to pay you back for the bread. It was selfish for me not to eat the berries. God I'm so fucking selfish. But you're so nice! Why are you still with me? Even though we are not actually together, you still are always there. I'm always mean to you! All you give me is kindness in return. You're too nice to me." I slump over in my chair and pout. He looked relatively pleased with my drunk rantings.

"Would you prefer it if I was mean to you?" He chuckles until he hears my response.

"Yes." He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "Yeah it would make me not feel bad for not reciprocating your feelings. It would make me not feel bad for having this baby. It will make me not feel bad for binding you to me for the rest of my life. Every day you will have to deal with me and people who think that we are some happy little family. But that's the opposite of what we are, Peeta." My voice gets louder as I speak. I could blame it on the alcohol, but it was actually my temper. Peeta calls over a waiter and thrusts the credit card Effie gave him after we found out the games were cancelled. 'For all the leisure that the Capitol has to offer'. I haven't taken mine out of the drawer I threw it in. I don't want to spend their money. It'll become another thing which I will owe them. I already have given up everything.

"If you speak softly it almost feels like the lies are real." He says with a shrugs. Such beautiful words being followed by a gesture of indifference. Such a Peeta Mellark thing to do. He never understood the impact of what he said because his mind was made up totally by those kinds of thoughts. After the waiter came back with our check and returns the card to Peeta, we had already moved on to a different conversation. My words were mumbled and slurred and I wasn't really sure what we were talking about. Peeta thanks the waiter who was shocked at his kindness. I guess people in the Capitol thanked no one. "I think it's time to go." He slings his jacket over my shoulders. It's warm and smells of pine trees and fresh bread, it smells of Peeta. His arm wraps around my waist. Everyone thought he just wanted to show his affection towards me, but in reality, he was just trying to make sure that I didn't stumble. There's a black town car outside. Peeta was annoyed that someone has to drive him around. He was a good driver and liked to drive. He didn't do it very often, but Effie insisted. Everyone in the Capitol was driven around she claimed even after Haymitch said that he, Johanna, and Beetee all chose to drive. But still Effie sent the car anyway. The windows were dark as midnight, bulletproof. We both get in and my eyes seem to feel much heavier than they did a moment before. I lay on Peeta, and his arms wrap around me. He was so much bigger than I was. I snuggle into his chest and surround myself in his warmth. And as I slept into oblivion, I felt good. I understood why all the victors did what they did in that moment. Numbness and warmth was the most pleasant thing I've ever experienced.

...

Peeta ended up carrying me up to our compartment. I was so glad that Finnick, Johanna, or any other tribute saw. That would have been mortifying. The constant teasing would have never stopped. The only people who saw were Effie and Haymitch. They were sitting on a couch discussing a pile of paper. Actually more like screaming at each other over the pile of paper. Effie smiled at us, and Haymitch just sent us a strange look. Peeta laid me down on my bed and lifted my blanket over me. He turned his body around and began to stroll out of the room. "Please stay with me?" My eyes widened and he looks back at me and nods.

"Always. I'm just going to get some stuff to sober you up a bit." I groan pushing a pillow over my head. He comes back a few minutes later holding a large bottle of water. "Drink this. Barley used to do this on Rye dozens of times. It lessens the percent of alcohol in your stomach." I give him another groan "just drink it." He thrusts it at me, and I drink slowly. Eventually, the whole bottle is finished. Peeta then forced me to run in place for a while. I begrudgingly do this, sending him multiple scowls and string of curses. All the good feelings I felt are gone. I am no longer this better version of myself. It's just Peeta and I. He is once again taking care of me. He acts as though he is oblivious to what I said at dinner. But it's all that I can think about. I'm left with the aftermath of speaking the truth.


	5. Chapter 5

"So about the things I said tonight... I just-" Peeta cuts me off icily. He takes his jacket off my shoulders, stuffing it under his arm. He walks into his room muttering to himself. He was never much of a mutterer, Peeta was always extremely clear and articulate because he never said anything he didn't intend for others to hear. I trail behind him, which results in him glaring at me. His eyes once a warm blue turn cold and light. All the color begins to fade from his skin and it makes the contrast less stark between his pale skin and his wide eyes.

He tosses his jacket on the bed and loosens his tie. "I get it. You meant none of what you said. This has happened a million times before. You were drunk, but who wouldn't be? Just a boring date with your boring fake baby daddy. You just said something you regret. It happens to the best of us." I think he's referring to himself and this whole situation when he says that. I was still tremendously embarrassed from what I told him. While Haymitch got blunt when he was intoxicated, I said everything I had never wanted to tell anyone, Peeta just was mean and lost all forms of a filter. His usual optimism and grace was replaced by snark and a total loss of a filter. It made it so much easier to hate him. But at that moment, Peeta wasn't drunk. He was simply angry with me. He looks at me again shaking his head. This was a signal for me to go back to my room, but I disregardrd it. He knew that I wouldn't listen, but he never stopped trying. Peeta never stopped trying in all parts of his life.

I blink a few times a bit taken aback by his words. My shoes are kicked off and left on the white plush carpet as I step toward him. The height difference was really evident now. Him, around six feet while I barely hit five. "Peeta..." I touch the side of the his face and stroke it slightly, he turns away.

"You don't get it, do you?" My eyes widen not understanding what he is alluding to. There were so many things I didn't get in the Capitol and so many things I couldn't comprehend about those around me. "Don't just stand there and say my name. If you have anything to say, just say it. I don't know why we're doing this ridiculous dance. I- we all get it. You don't want to be in this situation, but neither do I. You seem to think that I'm jumping for joy at this. But how desperate do you think I am? I never wanted any of this. I just wanted to keep you safe. There are an infinite number of lives I would rather live than having every move of mine be watched and every word I say analyzed to see if I'm threatening Snow or the Capitol. Everyone knows I can't take them down, but the quicker they can say I'm trying to the quicker they can get rid of me. I don't want to be here, Katniss. I just want to go home. As a kid, they used to talk about how great it was to be a victor. All the glitz and the glamour of the victor lifestyle wore off for me the second I was reaped. Look at Haymitch, Johanna, the Morphlings- they all are so broken. And then there's you. Broken from the start, living in your own little dreamland. You think that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. But this time the Capitol has won. They finally found a way to lessen the flame of the girl on fire. This time it isn't just you or me. I wouldn't care if it was just us, we both knew the stakes when we took those berries. We both are willing to die in a moment's notice because there was nothing left for us. We are going to be forever reliving the past." But this time if we go down it's Haymitch, Effie, my family, your mother, Gale, Prim. While our games have ended, their's have just begun." I look into his eyes and the scared boy from the first reaping is there once again. Never knowing if he'll go home again. The belief that if he does in fact go home, it'll be in a large wooden box. The idea of coming out of this was and still is extremely slim, and he's not thinking about that. Because the probability is as slim as it could be. In his mind, he is worthless. He doesn't believe that people listen to him, look up to him, respect him. He's a hero in a way that I will never be. He was selfless, only worrying about me and my safety. Even though I am the reason that this whole mess began. He still sacrificed everything after all the horrible things I had said and done to him.

Around the time I said that he was attractive, my plan to act like Johanna began to fail. She did not talk about her emotions or told anyone anything about them. She was embalmed with a thick shell of a constant fiery demeanor, never showing vulnerability. Johanna never said- she did, and it made a bigger impact. I was never one to talk about my emotions either, but I never used my actions either. I just let my emotions live inside me pushed into the back of my mind. But now I couldn't hold back. The realization that our lives were not the only ones which could be lost. Despite what others though I did not want to be a martyr. In my mind I just saw Prim lying on the ground of the town square in District twelve. Blood was everywhere. All over the ground, her dress, my hands. Even if the Capitol loved me and her, they could just stamp the word traitor on both our heads and the admiration of the Capitol would be gone. The only thing they loved more than their celebrities was the luxury and economic prosperity the Capitol had to offer. A traitor who was not slaughtered meant a threat to their way of life.

After my zoning out stopped, I look back up at Peeta. All broad shoulders and blond hair. "It's going to be all right in the end." My words are soft like a mother trying to calm down a child. I'm was quite surprised that I was able to to be like that. Softness was never my strong suit.

"How do you know this?" He quirks an eyebrow up at me.

 _Johanna! Johanna! Johanna!_ The voices are back in my head and this time they're shrieking. Just be like her and you'll save Prim. "This is how I know." I place my hands on his cheeks and kiss him. He puts pressure into the kiss and pins me against the wall. I'm pretty sure that he forgot that we were fighting a minute previously.

"I'm not sure if I'm fully convinced." He says in between kisses. I press a soft one gently on his lips. "I think I'm convinced now." His whisper tickles my ear. His breath smells like the fresh mint that grows near the woods. It's a really good smell, he smells good in general. Evergreen, mint, and sweet baked goods flood my nostrils and it screams Peeta. He looked so good in that suit. I needed to do this for my family, and it could be much worse than Peeta. I use all my strength to get myself off the wall and then I push him back onto the bed. He lands on his back with a small thud and a smirk across his face. "This is a joke right?"

I scowl at him, "No it's not a joke." At least not for me. For Snow it's probably the funniest thing he's seen in his entire life, but for me it's tragic. It's forcing myself to become a mother, the one thing I vowed never to be. Peeta continues to chuckle "it's not a joke." I groan, which only causes him to laugh harder. I pinch him hard in the arm which causes him to flinch.

"So I guess you're not joking." He's still laughing softly with his words.

"I'm not joking." I say as I unzip the back of my dress and drop it to the floor. I feel so exposed in just my bra and underwear. Even with all the stylists and such seeing me in this state of undress, I still was uncomfortable. My cheeks flare bright red and I know I can't blame the chill in the room.

Peeta sensed it immediately, "You know um... We could just go to sleep... Um pretend like it never happened?" I feel him staring at me, but I'm looking at the carpet.

"No no. I want to." I lie and once again he knows it. But he knows why I lied. We needed to do it anyways, so why not pretend that we were interested. This was just another part of the act. It would make it seem a bit less forced. I straddle his waist like I remember seeing Clove do to Cato during training and I start to unbutton his shirt. I fumble with the buttons so he does the last few for me. His chest is chiseled from all of those days back in the bakery.

"Are you sure?" We both weren't sure. Even if we were sure, the only thing we would be sure about was that we didn't want to do this. But there was no turning back, not since that interview. Even if Peeta supposedly loved me, he did not seem too thrilled to be doing this. He was a teenage boy, and sex was all they were supposed to think about. But this was Peeta, whose standards were above all of those of regular teenage boys and humans as a whole.

I respond to his question by putting my index finger over his lips to shush him. Then I nod my head and kiss him deeply, I couldn't say the words with my mouth. I was sure if I tried a big "no" would pop out. I was trying my best not to run out of the room and deny that my attempt to procreate ever happened.

...

I wake up early the next morning in Peeta's bed. I thought I had went into my room last night, but apparently I was wrong. My legs were entangled with his and his arm is draped loosely around my waist. He was still fast asleep. Light brown stubble lined his jaw and there was a slight smile on his lips like he's dreaming about something pleasant. I imagine him dreaming about bread, or dogs, or something meaningless like that. Most likely, he's dreaming about me. Probably about back in the cave or that night with the bread. When he's in my dreams occasionally, we're always back on that rainy day all those years ago. For some reason the scenes always get twisted and we always end up fighting and killing each other in the end.

Last night's events come back to me and I cringe after remembering it all. I had said so many things that I shouldn't have. Why did I let myself get so drunk? The last time I had gotten drunk after Snow announced the Quarter Quell. I went to Haymitch to try to save Peeta and the two of us had drank together out of pain. We both knew that he was too good to go so soon. He deserved a happy ending, not some unglorified arena death. We got him out of that last year, he couldn't go back in. We wouldn't allow it. The next morning I woke up with a tear stained face and threw up all over Haymitch's lawn. He didn't mind. I vowed to never let myself to lose control again. I did exactly that last night.

I always thought I would feel different after I had sex. Not some crazy fantasy that I would know all the answers to every question, but I would become better with people. Like I was finally let in on a secret that everyone knew except me. This did not seem to be the case. As the final moments of last night flash back in my head, I feel embarrassed. The realization that I can never take that back scared me. I move Peeta's arm off me and I'm baffled that he doesn't even stir. He must have been in this situation with many girls, but then I remember what he had told me through sloppy kisses. That was his first time too. I put yesterday's dress on not caring that it was on backwards as I slip off the bed a bit louder than I wanted to. I tiptoe out of the room, moving the doorknob slowly so it doesn't make a that obnoxious turning noise it usually does. That would definitely wake him up. I scuttle over to my bedroom and close the door fast. The slam radiated behind me sending a shock through my hand. The tears start rolling down my face when it hits me that I am finally alone. There's a flower laying on my bed. Pale pink, a Gerbera Daisy. The petals are almost hard so I know it's been sitting there for a few hours. So Peeta was not expecting anything that had happened the night before. I was beginning to think it was some kind of plot concocted by Haymitch. My father used to point gerberas out in the woods because they were not natural to District Twelve. Someone had to put them there. A note is under the flowers:

Thanks for making an effort.

-P

Peeta didn't even have to write his name because I could recognize his boyish scrawl. All the letters are connected even when they weren't supposed to be. And he's the only person who's observant enough to know not to give me a rose. Every time I see a rose it reminds me of Snow and all that I have lost. I hate that he knows me so well, yet I barely know him at all. My tears drip onto the note and I try to smear the ink with them, but the words remain on the page. I throw his note and unecessary flower across the room. I lock the door so no one sees me do something stupid like cry, which I continue to do with my back leaning against my doorframe; my body slowly settling down onto the ground.

I'm startled from the sound of shuffling on the floor. My heart rate increases until I realize that it was definitely Haymitch. He needs his morning drink to survive. There's too much work for him to do, so he can't sleep until three in the afternoon anymore. I look over at the clock on my beside table. It's eight thirty. Effie wanted us all at breakfast at nine, so we can finalize some of our plans. I'm still not sure what our plan even is, but I know not to miss the meeting. I find a pair of jeans Cinna smuggled past Effie somehow. I'm grateful for them. They're much nicer than any of the jeans I had back at home, but still comfortable. I find some random shirt and throw my hair up into a high ponytail. I try to rub the red out of my eyes, but it only makes it worse. I look at all the canisters of makeup my prep team has put on my vanity. I read all the labels, many of them I don't know what they do. So many useless creams and powders. Eventually, I find the stuff that they use to make my eyes less puffy and return them from red to their natural color. I put it on and it looks pretty natural, everything is covered and it doesn't even look like I cried. When I leave the room I notice that Haymitch, Effie, and Peeta are already sitting at the table talking. I don't say anything as I sit down. Haymitch and Effie look at me, but Peeta looks down at the table, avoiding making eye contact with me.

Effie's smile falters when she sees us. She probably knows now that her plan had failed. "So did you two have fun last night?" She asks trying to make a final effort.

We both mumble "yes." And stare at our napkins as if they're the most interesting things in the world.

"A little too much fun I presume." Haymitch looks smugly at me lifting one of his eyebrows. I send a glare of daggers at Peeta; who shrugs innocently. "Your little walk of shame this morning was cute, sweetheart."

"Haymitch!" Effie gasps from across the table, but I know she's ecstatic. She must be thinking about baby showers, names, and nurseries.

Haymitch winks at Effie suggestively, but speaks firmly. "I see everything." She looks appalled and from what Haymitch was suggesting, she had the right to. He nods his head at Peeta and stands up from the table, "come with me." Peeta follows him off into to elevator. The last thing I see is Haymitch pat Peeta on the back and say "Good work, son." When did Haymitch start calling Peeta that? Out of all the tributes that Haymitch had ever mentored, he had tried the hardest on Peeta. At this point, Peeta was the closest thing he had to a family. But when did they get close enough for Haymitch to be nice to him and refer to him with terms of affection?

"That was quite a meeting. So much for being a team." I grumble sarcastically. Effie ignores my comment. I leave the room so I can avoid Effie's questions.

...

I go down to a lounge on the bottom floor of the tribute center. Finnick is rambling on about how some woman mailed some portraits of herself with him in them to Gloss and Johanna. They both seemed bored, but he continued on about how they were each ten feet long and how he had no idea what to do with them because he had no idea who the woman was. Probably a former lover. Johanna interrupts Finnick halfway through his sentence when she sees me. "Finally someone I can torture. Finn was just about finished with his story."

"But I wasn't." He whines rolling up the sleeves of his Henley.

"But you were." She sends his a wide fake smile, which he rolls his eyes at.

"Anything to just make it stop." Gloss groans. I'm afraid that a fight will start, but it never does. I guess the whole hating each other thing was only the case for the Games.

Johanna grins slowly at me. "So how was it?" I stare blankly at her trying to give off innocence. She doesn't buy it for a second. "Silence doesn't suit you. How was the sex? Was he good? I'd imagine he is really good." Gloss looks at her in disgust. She shrugs and continues to babble on about sex. I zone out after she starts talking about a District Two tribute she slept with the year after she became a victor. He was a year older than her and won that year. He claimed that he did it out of love for her. In her normal Johanna fashion she was furious. He wanted to start a relationship with her, but there was nothing worse in her mind than a relationship. So she hadn't talked to him since. I agreed with her for once on her stance of relationships. The boy from the story reminded me slightly of Peeta.

"Jo that's enough." Finnick responds quickly.

Gloss chuckles under his breath "Yeah Jo, that's enough." His tone is mocking when he says the nickname.

Her eyes flicker with annoyance, "What's your name? Sparkle Fairy or something equally as idiotic?" Finnick smirks at the small fight going on between two sitting on his left. Johanna hits Finnick in the gut which he grimaces from. "You shouldn't be talking Finnick. What the fuck even is a Finnick? It's not a name or an object or anything to be exact."

"Harsh." Gloss laughs.

She rolls her eyes, "life's tough. Get a helmet. Or one of those ridiculous headpieces your tributes are always wearing. They're so heavy they lose one of the three brain cells they have. Katniss knows this better than all of us, she killed both of them." I feel the blood leave my face. I hated talking about the games, but talking about the people I killed in there made it so much worse. "Speaking of you Katniss, you never answered my question."

"How did you even find out?" I ask a bit confused. Had people seen last night and I was too drunk to realize?

All three of them laugh like it's the most obvious answer in the world. "Haymitch has a big mouth. Almost like a teenage girl from District One." She explains. "Because he tells us none of his secrets, he makes it up in sharing everyone else's. He was quite abuzz this morning." Her mouth turns into a sly smile.

"Stop bashing my District, you angry redneck." Gloss complains jokingly. Johanna still punches.

Her eyes refocus on me. "Stop avoiding my question. How was he?"

I roll my eyes at her, "It was the greatest experience of my life. My mind has been blown. I'm going to write a book on it." My sarcasm makes Finnick smile a little bit.

"The real question is if Peeta was blown, not her mind." Finnick leans over and whispers into Gloss' ear loudly. So I guess my sarcasm wasn't the appreciated part.

Gloss shakes his head, but he's obviously amused. "Grow up 'Nick."

Finnick starts making fake crying noises, "But I can't grow up until I blow a girls mind. Peeta did it, even if his lady friend was being sarcastic."

"You're a moron." Johanna says to Finnick as his fake crying has evolved into a large meltdown with exaggerated wailing noises while he rolls around on the floor. Just a month previously these people were threatening to slit each other's throats. They all turn on each other so quickly to only go running back to where they started. Maybe that was the victor lifestyle Peeta was talking about. A one of having only superficial hatred. Perhaps they somehow gained happiness.

...

Peeta comes downstairs later. He probably spent the whole day talking to Haymitch. Johanna had found an axe and was slicing open her finger tips with it purposefully for twenty minutes. Peeta's mouth opens a bit from shock when he sees the tiny pool of blood she's accumulated on the floor. "Um..." He keeps looking at the blood "Where's Gloss?"

"He claimed he couldn't watch me mutilate myself anymore, but really I bruised his ego." Johanna shrugs. But I know that the her bloody fingers were the real reason. I couldn't bare to look at them for much longer myself. "She spoke very highly of your sexual performance."

Peeta smirks slightly at me, but rolls his eyes. "Oh did she?" He jokingly wiggles his eyebrows. "Give me a secret Johanna, and I'll show you highly."She bursts out laughing causing her to drop the axe back on the floor.

"He'll even blow your mind. He's a real man." Finnick adds in chuckling himself.

"Are you still going on about that?" Johanna groans.

Finnick smiles at her "Until I complete my task, I will never stop." He looks over at Peeta. "Don't take my lines man. On me it's charming and sexy. On you it sounds like you're going to kidnap someone."

"But it's not charming on you either." Johanna snaps. "That's why your 'task' has yet to be completed."

"You are really bruising those egos today." I add in, joining the conversation. It seemed I was a bit too late because in that moment Effie came on the elevator.

"Katniss! I need you. Come with me now." She says quickly like it's an emergency. She looks over at Johanna, bloody hands and smirk plastered on her face. "I suggest you clean yourself up." Johanna responds by sticking up a very red middle finger. Effie drags me back upstairs.

...

Johanna and Finnick continue to bother Peeta. "Is it normal for her to cry after?" They both start laughing hysterically, eventually falling off the couch and onto the floor in a large heap.

"She's one of those girls?" Tears start to fall down Johanna's face from laughing so hard. "She didn't tell me that! I guess girls on fire don't like to admit that they cry. Tears extinguish the flame." Peeta shrugs looking down at the victors on the floor. "If the districts found out. She would be done. No longer the strong hero of the people." They continue to laugh.

 _That's the thing about girls on fire. They either burn themselves, or burn out._


	6. Chapter 6

Effie's urgent meeting was about the stupid wedding dress. I nodded along and pretended that I was interested while her and Cinna discussed whether they should recreate the one I wore for the interview. They decided against it because they felt that it might stir up too much controversy. In the days following that one, I was constantly mocked for my tears by a Johanna and Finnick. That's what happens when people have a lot of spare time, no jobs, too much money and find it enjoyable to make others uncomfortable, they begin to mock everyone. About everything. Every second of the day.

Later that week President Snow has Peeta's and my family brought from District twelve to the Capitol. After many days of bothering Haymitch about it, I managed to convince him to let Gale come too. Prim and my mother both were fascinated by the Capitol. All the wealth and luxury was ridiculous compared to the seam. "People in the districts are starving." Gale spat, obviously disgusted by all the spectacle. Him and I hated the frivolousness of the Capitol and all it's people. I thought It was crazy when our house in the Victor's Village has full electricity and heat in the winter. But that was nothing compared to the large neon signs and stadiums using enough electricity in an hour to power District Twelve for a decade.

Peeta's father looked happy to see him. I'm sure his mother was happy too, but she never really showed any emotions so I wasn't truly sure. She told him that he needed to eat more because he was getting too skinny. In reality, he was just losing his baby fat and becoming more muscular from all the time spent in the gym. No one could become 'too skinny' in the Capitol unless they wanted to. Rye rolled his eyes at his mother's comment, "He's getting fed better than you could ever feed him. And Peeta is not too skinny, I don't think his body has changed at all. You just want to fatten him up so you can put him in your oven and eat him."

His mother sends him the dirtiest glare I've ever seen as she looks over her middle son up and down. "If that was my plan, I am surely failing at it. You're a twig."

Rye crosses his with arms and leans against a wall. "The ladies love me." His mouth curls into a smirk.

Peeta's oldest brother Barley starts to laugh. I've never seen him do anything or have an expression that was not a scowl. It must be genetic. I wondered if my child was going to have his mother's constant frown. I think their fight was done, but his mother continues, "Well the ladies won't love you anymore when you have no money when I fire you from the bakery. So you won't be able to take them on those silly dates you're always on. Tell me if they still love you then."

Rye lopsidedly grins at his mother, "Peeta will take me into his house and raise me along with him and Katniss' non-existent child. I will refer to him as 'father' and he will pay for my dates." I never realized that Peeta lived alone. But it made no difference to his family if they lived in the Victor's Village or not. While Peeta's new house was larger, the family home already had heat. As much as I disliked Peeta, it still upset me to know that he had that whole big house to himself. He was still a kid, we both were.

"Have fun with that." His mother said rolling her eyes. Rye muttered something that either was 'witch' or 'bitch'. Both were appropriate descriptions of his mother. I'm sure she didn't hear him because he was not slapped upside the head.

...

After our families came, Peeta and I barely saw each other. He spent his days with his brothers and often Finnick. Johanna floated in and out, she was often drunk up in her apartment. And when she wasn't, she would spend hours in the training room throwing axes or flirting with Barley. Barley was tall like his other brothers, but was stockier. He did not possess Rye's skinniness, but was built more like Peeta. He was extremely stern, and didn't care about going on dates or doing anything besides his work. His blue eyes weren't lively like Peeta and Rye's, but a colder, icier blue. Peeta said Barley used to like to read a lot in his spare time, but hasn't since Peeta was reaped. I guess that's what happens when you spend your whole life being a good big brother, but couldn't save your sibling the one time they actually needed your protection. But he couldn't change the age range of the Games. If he could, that would be one hell of a quarter quell. I can see in Barley's eyes that he still feels a bit of anger towards Rye. He could have volunteered for Peeta, but he didn't. Peeta described Rye as a "coward" and I understand why. Family ties are broken on reaping day- everyone knew that. Even though volunteering for the Games is something most people wouldn't do, I can see the way that he avoids his problems and I can determine that the reaping was one of many times where he showed his cowardice. Peeta still probably resented him too. But they all should be fortunate that it wasn't Rye in the arena. He would be dead in five minutes. And if he wasn't, I wouldn't help him. I owed Peeta, not him. But wouldn't Peeta want me to save his brother? That would be considered a proper payback. He saved my sibling, so I would save his. _No_ , I decided that would not be payback for saving my life. Saving Rye would never be worth it. I would have left him in the arena to decompose and die a slow terrible death.

A slow and terrible death was a perfect way to describe watching Barley be flirted with by Johanna. Her type was hard to get, and he was probably the hardest person to get in all of Panem. All her efforts were put towards him because she had run out of other guys and did not like the men of the Capitol. They were too prissy and clingy in her opinion. She needed a "real man" and apparently Barley was the perfect example of that. He ignored all her advances, which only made her more intrigued. Barley was twenty-three, an age that most people in District Twelve were married by. But he didn't care about getting married, especially getting married to Johanna. Most girls in the District would marry him. He was tall, muscular, smart, attractive. He resembled Gale in that sense. Girls always used to giggle when they saw Gale, but he wasn't interested in them. Johanna described him as "Gorgeous" but then said she couldn't be with someone who was better looking than she was. And anyways, they would kill each other within a day.

Early in the evenings she would burst into our apartment and start screaming at Peeta about his brother. She would roll her eyes and complain for hours at a time. Peeta told her to wait for him to come to her, but she didn't listen. She didn't wait, people always would flock around her. She was Johanna Mason, probably the most famous victor story before a Peeta and I came along. She was beautiful, smart, and cunning. She had never been denied by anyone before, and it infuriated her. How could a baker from District Twelve not reciprocate her attraction towards him? This only made her try harder.

At night, after Johanna went off sulking back into her room, Peeta and I would have awkward, drunken sex. We both felt awful in the morning, but Snow was getting suspicious. Somehow I had not become pregnant yet. We couldn't stand to look at each other sober because of what we were doing, why we were doing it, and because of everything that's gone on between us. We've lied too much, seen too much, said too much to be normal around each other again.

...

I remember the last night Peeta could stand to look at me. It was the night after we had went on the date and first had sex. He walked into my room and leaned onto the doorframe. "Raise your hand if you feel used." His hand slowly rose up and his eyes bore into mine.

I roll my eyes at him, "How did I use you? Last time I checked, you were using me to keep yourself alive." We both were using each other in truth. But neither of us wanted to admit that we depended on the other.

"Let me think..." He puts his finger on his chin "Everything last night. You used me for sex to make yourself feel better. You hate the fact that Snow is in charge of who lives and who dies-"

"Well who isn't upset by that?" I screech cutting him off.

He scowls "Can you not let me finish a god damn sentence? You hate it so much that you're trying to control everything you think you can. And you hate the fact that you can't protect your family because you think that's the only thing you're good at. The only way you can protect them is by getting pregnant so you're trying to do that as hard as you can so you can feel like you have a purpose again." His face had turned pink and I'm sure mine has too. "You just want to get out of that hole you've created for yourself for self loathing, and you feel like using me is the only way to get out of it. But let me tell you something Katniss, it doesn't work! You can't use other people to solve your self made problems. You need yourself, and I am not encouraging you to lock yourself away like you always do. That will only make your problems worse. And as much as you like to tell yourself the opposite, you have not mastered the art of being alone. I don't think it's possible to. You haven't been truly alone since the reaping, and you'll never be truly alone again."

"I didn't use you and I don't hate myself." I snap, my mouth turning into a straight line. "You just want my pity. That's what it is! That's all you wanted since day one! 'Let me get Katniss to feel empathetic towards me. Emphasis on the pathetic part. Maybe after all these years I'll get her to love me after years of stalking her and never saying a word. Let's ruin her life and set her up in a position where she has to marry me and have my child so she's stuck with me forever. And then tell her how much she has hurt me to try to make her see how much I love her. That will work one hundred percent! Haymitch even told me it would!'" I know my imitation of him went too far, but I had already crossed the line. I was only going to go further. "Sorry to break it to you, Peeta. You plan to woo me didn't work. I will never work as hard as you may try. I'm still here, and I'm still not in love with you. You're only making yourself look like a lovesick fool. But I'm beginning to think that may be what you actually are." By the end of my speech I'm out of breath. I know once again I has hurt him. Pain rimmed his eyes and his mouth and even his hair looked less bright than it had before. A slight urge to walk across the room and hug him takes me, but I couldn't. I gave up that right a long time ago.

"If you think that's it, then you must really not think highly of me." But it was quite the opposite, I thought higher of Peeta than anyone else I had ever known. It's something that Haymitch and I had realized a long time ago. Peeta was the only victor of chance. He was truly deep down better than all of us. "I loved you Katniss. I really did. And for a while, I thought that you might of loved me back, or at least had the potential to. And when I realized that it could never happen, I had hoped that we could be friends, or at least stand each other. As you've mentioned so many times, we are stuck together for the rest of our lives. And I thought we were on the right track. But you must have only been pretending there too. I applaud your acting skills, you can even convince people who know that it's fake."

I try to look tough, but it's quite obvious that I am awkward in this situation. "It's not my fault you couldn't keep up with the game. It's all games with these people."

"It's not just them anymore. Katniss, you started playing more than they ever have." He slams his fist on the doorframe. "You're throwing yourself into all the other game pieces trying to self destruct. Stop with the games and find something real. You've gotten so lost on their game board that you can't find finish. I'm done with your games. Have fun playing by yourself." After that he just walks off into his room and locks the door. I didn't speak to him until the next morning.

...

Snow set up a brunch for Peeta's family, mine, Haymitch, and Effie. To make it better he said that he was coming to get to know our families better. The last time Snow saw my family was the meeting before the Victory Tour where he warned be about consequences of lying to him. He knew that I was seeing Gale, and that petrified me. I had never wanted him so close to Prim again. And now we were all sitting at one long table together. He looked more venomous than I had ever seen him. Even Gale had managed to make himself look respectable in a white shirt and gray suit jacket.

He asked us how we all were and everyone responded with a smile and "Great. Thank you for asking." Barley mumbled a string of syllables that didn't resemble any sound from the English language. Even Rye was polite and didn't say any rude comments to Snow or anyone else at the table. But he was trying avoid eye contact with Gale. I secretly wished that Gale would beat him up again. That would certainly make for an interesting meal. Effie and my mother make small talk to clear up the silence, but tension still remains.

"So how's your stay in the Capitol been so far?" Effie asks cheerfully.

Everyone nods their head except Barley who I'm surprised to see talk. Especially being the only one to respond. "It's nice and all but there's this little troll that follows me around." I snigger a bit.

"An avox?" Effie seems a bit confused, her purple eyebrows scrunch together and move further up her forehead.

Barley shakes his head "I wish it was an avox. It never shuts it's mouth. Like one of those small rat dogs. A woman- I didn't know if she was old or young or even a woman. You Capitol folk make it much too confusing, but she had one of those at the airport and it wouldn't be quiet. I'm usually against violence towards others, but I would be lying if I said that the thought of kicking the dog really enticed me." His mouth remained in it's usual straight line.

Haymitch chuckles loudly "He means Johanna."

"Yes that thing." Barley cringes slightly.

"That's my girl." Haymitch smirks. "Doing exactly what I taught her. Push and push and eventually the door will open."

Barley rolls her eyes "Her legs are already open." He mutters.

Effie gasps at the eldest Mellark boy's comment and decides to switch the topic slightly. "Haymitch you really shouldn't be giving advice to well... Anyone. Especially relationship advice. You're quite single, so it must not we working."

"Sorry to break it to you sweetheart, but you're quite single too."

Effie rolls her eyes. "I'm single by choice."

Haymitch laughs loudly "If that's what you want to tell yourself." Snow glares at the table and Effie and Haymitch stop bickering. He looks right at me, the trials have begun.

"You look a bit frazzled, Miss Everdeen. Would you like a drink?" His snake eyes resemble ice and I feel my palms go moist.

I nod slowly. "Yes please." Peeta squeezes my thigh hard from next to me. I kick him in return, and then I remember the pregnancy. "Some water would be nice." Snow creepily smiles at me and signals an avox to pour me a glass. "I just wanted to thank you for allowing us to stay in the Capitol. It means a lot that I can get the best things available for my family in this time of transition."

Snow tips back his glass of red wine. "I thought we were closer than that Miss Everdeen. I know you hate it here." I try to interject, but Snow cuts me off. "You wish to be back in District twelve. So you can spent some time alone with your boyfriend."

"Peeta and I get a lot of time alone here." I say looking fake lovingly at Peeta.

"No not him. The other one." His eyes focus on Gale who looks very uncomfortable with being the center of the conversation. He never raised his hand in school because he hated the stares of other people. Whenever the teacher asked him to give an answer he would just respond with 'no comment'. Everyone knew it wasn't because Gale was stupid because he wasn't. He got much higher marks than I ever did, he just was disinterested in socializing with others. That's what I liked about Gale, we could sit in silence and still be content. Unlike Peeta, who's driven by love; Gale and I are both driven by survival. And the best way to survive in District 12 was to stay silent. It was nice because I had always had a liking towards the silence. Some of our best moments were those in the woods just remaining. The world didn't move in those hours. Everything stayed in place until one of us broke the bubble.

I laugh as if he's saying a joke. Peeta joins in after a while and then the whole table except Snow is laughing. "They're wrong about you not having a sense of humor Mr. President." Rye says from the corner. Snow does not look amused. I wonder if our fake laughter sounded as fake as it did in my head. Rye continues, "I have never seen a pair more in love. We all know how devoted my little brother is to her. It's actually quite pathetic how devoted he is to her. And she doesn't scowl at him like she does to everyone else."

"Well she does a little bit." Peeta says lightly his smile beaming at Snow. "Gale and Katniss are just very good friends. More like siblings at this point. Almost like my friend Delly Cartwright back home." I thank all the high power for Peeta's ability to ramble on and on. He never fails to make a crowd listen. "I would do anything for Delly, but there's nothing more than friendship there. I would never kiss her or anything. Katniss and I are too in love to every thing about anyone other than each other."

"I snogged her once or twice." Rye shrugs.

Peeta rolls his eyes "You've snogged everyone once or twice."

"Including the mailman." Barley adds in moving his eyes up from the table.

Peeta lightly chuckles. "Can't forget about the mailman. But you see President Snow, unlike what every single book and movie has ever said, a boy and a girl can be friends and not feel anything towards each other." I catch Gale's eye and we both make awkward faces at each other. So far, I was failing my trial. My execution was so close I could almost smell it.

"Very well." Snow says confidently the corner of his lip curled up. "Just hope that your baby doesn't come out with his face." Gale's jaw clenches and I know he's getting angry because I'm getting angry too. We both had awful tempers and Snow only brought the worst out in them.

"I'm really hoping it will look like Peeta." I gush. The tone of my voice was so sweet I felt as though I was going to vomit. "I hope it has has his dimples." I run my index finger over Peeta's left cheek. "And his eyes, and his smile." Snow does not look pleased for me to change the topic on him, but it's the best thing I could do at the moment. Gale looks relieved to be out of the conversation. Secretly, I know he's upset with what I'm doing too. He hated that I touched Peeta all the time, even though he knew that it was all just for show. I look over at his face and then over to Peeta's. Gale is all contrast, dark hair, bright eyes. While Peeta was all bright and sunny. They look their parts, Peeta the lovesick golden boy, and Gale, the boy from my poor past. They both were destined for greatness, and neither of them were aware of that. But I... The one who caused the fight was destined for nothing. War brings some people to glory while others fall back into the shadows. Except there was no war, at least not one that was being fought by more than one side.

...

After the brunch concluded Effie, Haymitch, Peeta, and I were on the elevator going up to the apartment. Effie looks peeved, Haymitch looks rather bored, and I couldn't read Peeta's face. Haymitch grabs himself a drink and flops onto the couch, a bit of amber liquid splashes on his pant leg and I practically hear Effie cringe. "Well that was fun," He bellows. His voice isn't tinged with sarcasm, but he doesn't seem serious either.

"I feel humiliated." Effie snaps. "I just try to make them and myself look as good as possible, and you have to go and mess it all up."

"Not everything is about you, sweetheart." Haymitch rolls his eyes drinking half his glass and thrusting the cup it on the table.

Effie scowls at him "I'm supposed to one who makes you bunch look good. How am I supposed to get promoted to a better district if I can't even control my victors?" She shakes her head grabbing Haymitch's drink and finishes it.

Haymitch stands up and walks around the chair Effie's sitting on. "Number one, there is no controlling anyone. Katniss over here listens to no one and that's why she's first on Snow's hit list. Peeta becomes a loose cannon once you put a camera in front of his face. He will say anything to save all our asses even though his stories are getting crazier and crazier. And I just don't listen to a word you say. Number two, you are not getting any kind of promotion to a better district. So get over it. You've been with me for sixteen years and you're still here. He's leaving you here hoping that you'll snitch on all of our plans. And you wouldn't do that Effie, because if you do, you're dead too. So smell the roses because you'll be here for a while." Death was the topic too often between our little team. But I guess when you're being threatened with it every second of your lives you have to learn to embrace it. I try to conjure up the image of a twenty four year old Haymitch, but I can't. Even though I've seen the video of his games, nothing pops into my head. I can't imagine him as anything other than the middle aged drunk I saw in front of me. He wasn't angry like the Haymitch in front of me was. He was a sad broken boy who gained all the material items in the world, but lost the things he loved the most. That's why him and Peeta got along so well; Haymitch saw him as a young version of himself. He was only trying to protect Peeta from what he could become. Peeta had lost the vision of me, the one that he was in love with. The person that meant everything to him was replaced with a brutish girl who couldn't control her anger. He was just a boy. The games ended our childhoods, but we were still children. And children need dreams and things to hold onto when things got tough.

"Sixteen years and you haven't changed a bit. Always the optimist." The sarcasm rang in her voice. I imagine Effie meeting him. _It must've been a great surprise_ I think to myself. Effie probably was ecstatic about getting the job for escorting. District Twelve was the worst district, but she probably thought that it was a good beginning part. It also had the winner to the Quarter Quell in it. If only she had expecting him to be a rude drunk who insulted everything that she did.

He strolls across the living room and comes back with a bottle of vodka. He turned the top off and threw it over towards the bar. "What is there to be optimistic about? We're all gonna die. It doesn't matter how genius my plans are, and which the answer is extremely. Snow will always be one step ahead of all of us. He knows everything. I plan on spending the last remaining days of my life doing what I love and do best... Getting drunk."

Snow was always ahead of us, but he didn't have to be. All we needed was a curveball. Something that he would never expect. Peeta and I could not continue to be the happy couple awaiting our child. Maybe we didn't have to be a couple at all... "I think I have an idea-"

"You think you have an idea?" Haymitch asks rolling his eyes. "Do you have one or not? It's a very simple question. Just a yes or no."

I roll my eyes back at him "Yes. I have an idea. Why don't we just do the opposite of what Snow is expecting. He wants a happy couple, let's give him the opposite. Have Peeta and I fight in public. Scream at each other maybe even break up for a small bit. They still won't send us to the arena because they will still think I'm pregnant."

Haymitch nods slightly at me. He looks pleased for once "The Capitol loves a romance, but they love a breakup even more. Have photographers spot you in different locations. Make him spotted with different girls every night. Keep them watching."

Effie beams at me "Have one of them beg for the other back. Katn- no Peeta. More believable that way. Eventually she would have to forgive him for... Wait what should he have done?"

"Maybe make her the one who did wrong. I"m too pathetic to hurt her. Say that I walked in on her with another man. It's not a secret that she has been kissing others." Peeta words are like a slap in the face. It should have made me mad, but I know I deserved it. I deserved so much worse.

"I don't know what's going on with you two." Haymitch says obviously intrigued. "But the cheating thing is good. But it can't be her. No one can question the paternity of your child, which really should have been made by now, but that's a whole different story. You caught Peeta with some random admirer of his. He couldn't deal with all the fame. Too much pressure for a boy from District Twelve. Your little stunt goes on tomorrow. Get ready to show the whole world how broken you both are." I realize that Haymitch is going to play off what many call Victor Syndrome. The fall from grace so many of us deal with. Haymitch himself is a prime example. Annie Cresta went mad. The morphlings barely lived a life. Johanna got angry and began to force herself on others, but I'm beginning to feel that she's only doing that to make Snow angry. He wanted her to sleep around, and she said no. But nevertheless, she suffers from the syndrome. It messes with your mind, ruins your personality all because of the games. I guess people never really leave the arena. It plagues our dreams and our minds. We're stuck in this area, never adults, but never children either. Our childhood ended on that unfortunate reaping day. There is no coming of age tale because there was no coming of age. We were just thrust into adulthood, and never really matured. We all still remain at our cornucopias waiting for something. Like maybe there's some sort of switch that turns when you become a victor. That will make it mean something one day and all the death and destruction wouldn't have been in vain. They expect us to return to live like the way it had been, but only better. But how does one go back? Go back to our old lives? Face all the people that allowed you to be sent to a slaughterhouse like a premature calf. How do they expect people to do that? How did they expect me to do that? None of us can move on because we don't want to move on. We all realize that the switch is never turning on and everyone begins turning to different substances to make them feel for a moment that it did. We continue to go through the motions of life with scared teenagers stuck inside our heads and matured bodies. But we're all still waiting for the answers, and I'm quite certain that we're never going to get them.

* * *

AN: I am so sorry that this chapter took so long to come out. As an apology I made this chapter extra long. I originally wrote one around two weeks ago, but my IPad glitched and I lost everything I had on it, including the chapter. So I had to rewrite it and I'm really proud of how it came out.


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